Today marks the 24 year anniversary of my Mothers’ tragic death. It also marks the 24 year anniversary of the beginning of my growth process.
It truly amazes me how I can remember every step, every motion, every word, and every emotion of that day 24 years ago but I cannot remember where I set me keys 10 minutes ago. I can still feel the pain as if it happened yesterday…I can remember the blood curdling screams coming from my pregnant 17-year-old body. I can remember begging and pleading to everyone in the room to just let me see her….which now I am so thankful they did not give into my pleads. My mother was killed in a terrible car accident and I know that the visual of her mangled lifeless body would have changed me in a way that I may not have been able to recover from .
It took me many years to really experience a breakthrough as a result of my Mothers untimely demise. I went through several years of depression and a feeling of emptiness. Several years of just being lost. I was 17 years old when my Mother died. I was 3 months pregnant and I was marrying the father of my unborn child 2 days later. I think I lost my Mother when a young girl needs her Mother the most. I had no idea what I was doing. I, at 17 years old, didn’t even know how to take care of myself let alone a child…and how to be wife..are you kidding me?????? I was still doing homework for crying out loud….like legit….I was a senior in high school.
If you were to ask me 20 some years ago how I coped and found my way I probably would have told you some bullshit about being strong and working hard and being focused….thinking about that now makes me laugh! Ask me now how I coped and I will tell you it was because of the leaders, mentors, and the people who gave me guidance. My Father, my step-Mother, my Sister….they selflessly guided me. Also, my in-laws at the time. They had A HUGE impact on my life and I kick myself regularly for walking away from my marriage the way I did. I divorced my Husband and literally just walked away from everyone. I was young and scared and didn’t know how to handle things. I have since apologized to them for my actions and have learned an EXTREMELY valuable lesson as a result of it. I literally ghosted them….I will never do that to anyone again. If I make the decision to no longer be part of someone’s life I choose to have the uncomfortable conversation as to why. Not that I chose not to have a relationship with them I guess I just didn’t know how. I should have told them that and they could have used their life experience to show me.
At the time I’m sure all those people thought I wasn’t listening….in fact I don’t even think I was listening….like I wasn’t really HEARING them. The point is it still got in my brain…just for later use . It was through the natural evolution of maturity that I started to call upon some of the input my Dad and step-Mother instilled. Also, through my growing relationship with my Sister (technically my step-Sister but I feel far too connected to her to address her that way) who has been a beautiful example of the kind of person I want to be.
What I am trying to say here is that I did not get to this place of clarity for many years. It did not just magically happen. I think that is how some people see it though….because they did not actually see my process they naturally assume that I was always this way. They assume they can never get to that place of enlightenment because they weren’t born that way. I am here to tell you that NO ONE is born that way. You become that person as a result of you who you surround yourself with and the stories you tell yourself.
I know that you cannot get to a place of clarity on your own. It is through learning from others that you obtain that knowledge. The opposite can also be said…you will get to a place of self-destruction, pain, stagnation, and a feeling of failure by surrounding yourself with the wrong people. By listening to words of discouragement instead of encouragement, by listening to negativity rather than positivity….that will also take you somewhere…but it is going to take you to a dark place…a place where there will be growth but it will be a place where disease grows…where pain grows…where failure is an absolute.
I choose to use the death of my Mother as the birthplace of where I am today. My Mother was 39 when she passed…It was nearing my 39th birthday that I had that “OH MY FUCKING GOD” moment of realizing this was all the life my Mother ever lived. I can either choose to bathe in pain of her tragic death or rise to the top as a result of it. It is truly a choice. It is 110% a fucking decision…..in every possible situation you have a choice…you may not like the choices but you still have a choice.
I made the CHOICE when I had that breakthrough moment nearing my 39th birthday to end my very unhappy marriage….that was the hardest DECISION I have ever had to make. It was a choice though….either way you look at it….it sucks. I could have chosen to stay in an unhappy marriage and live a very unfulfilled life OR break up a marriage that impacted the lives of a man, 3 adult children, and a grandchild. IT FUCKING SUCKED!!! But, I had a choice and I chose to leave so that I could be my very best self to serve those children better….to serve the my grandson better, to serve my team, my tribe, my community, and ultimately myself better.
Persevering through tragedy is ultimately what makes you unstoppable. Surviving that time in my life is exactly what led me to where I am today….and I am damn proud of where I am today. I am a very good person…I know this because I WORK REALLY FUCKING HARD AT IT. I am strong, I am independent, and I am empowering. And I have every single person that has ever been in my life to thank for it. The people who had my best interest at heart as well as the people who were sucking me dry. I thank every one of them equally. The good ones for the guidance to the light powerful side and the bad ones for showing me what the dark side looks like and serving as a bad example.
DO NOT WASTE THE PAIN YOU ARE EXPERIENCING RIGHT NOW…It is your catalyst to greatness…it is the fuel that is going to take you to exactly where you want to go!
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It is my mission to help show everyone just how powerful they are. I need your help in spreading this!