How Tragedy + Perseverance = Empowerment

Today marks the 24 year anniversary of my Mothers’ tragic death.  It also marks the 24 year anniversary of the beginning of my growth process.

It truly amazes me how I can remember every step, every motion, every word, and every emotion of that day 24 years ago but I cannot remember where I set me keys 10 minutes ago.  I can still feel the pain as if it happened yesterday…I can remember the blood curdling screams coming from my pregnant 17-year-old body.  I can remember begging and pleading to everyone in the room to just let me see her….which now I am so thankful they did not give into my pleads. My mother was killed in a terrible car accident and I know that the visual of her mangled lifeless body would have changed me in a way that I may not have been able to recover from .

It took me many years to really experience a breakthrough as a result of my Mothers untimely demise.  I went through several years of depression and a feeling of emptiness. Several years of just being lost.  I was 17 years old when my Mother died.  I was 3 months pregnant and I was marrying the father of my unborn child 2 days later.  I think I lost my Mother when a young girl needs her Mother the most.  I had no idea what I was doing.  I, at 17 years old, didn’t even know how to take care of myself let alone a child…and how to be wife..are you kidding me??????  I was still doing homework for crying out loud….like legit….I was a senior in high school.

If you were to ask me 20 some years ago how I coped and found my way I probably would have told you some bullshit about being strong and working hard and being focused….thinking about that now makes me laugh!  Ask me now how I coped and I will tell you it was because of the leaders, mentors, and the people who gave me guidance.  My Father, my step-Mother, my Sister….they selflessly guided me.  Also, my in-laws at the time.  They had A HUGE impact on my life and I kick myself regularly for walking away from my marriage the way I did.  I divorced my Husband and literally just walked away from everyone.  I was young and scared and didn’t know how to handle things.  I have since apologized to them for my actions and have learned an EXTREMELY valuable lesson as a result of it.  I literally ghosted them….I will never do that to anyone again.  If I make the decision to no longer be part of someone’s life I choose to have the uncomfortable conversation as to why.  Not that I chose not to have a relationship with them I guess I just didn’t know how.  I should have told them that and they could have used their life experience to show me.

At the time I’m sure all those people thought I wasn’t listening….in fact I don’t even think I was listening….like I wasn’t really HEARING them. The point is it still got in my brain…just for later use .  It was through the natural evolution of maturity that I started to call upon some of the input my Dad and step-Mother instilled.  Also, through my growing relationship with my Sister (technically my step-Sister but I feel far too connected to her to address her that way)  who has been a beautiful example of the kind of person I want to be.

What I am trying to say here is that I did not get to this place of clarity for many years.  It did not just magically happen.  I think that is how some people see it though….because they did not actually see my process they naturally assume that I was always this way.  They assume they can never get to that place of enlightenment because they weren’t born that way.  I am here to tell you that NO ONE is born that way.  You become that person as a result of you who you surround yourself with and the stories you tell yourself.

I know that you cannot get to a place of clarity on your own.  It is through learning from others that you obtain that knowledge.  The opposite can also be said…you will get to a place of self-destruction, pain, stagnation, and a feeling of failure by surrounding yourself with the wrong people.  By listening to words of discouragement instead of encouragement, by listening to negativity rather than positivity….that will also take you somewhere…but it is going to take you to a dark place…a place where there will be growth but it will be a place where disease grows…where pain grows…where failure is an absolute.

I choose to use the death of my Mother as the birthplace of where I am today.  My Mother was 39 when she passed…It was nearing my 39th birthday that I had that  “OH MY FUCKING GOD” moment of realizing this was all the life my Mother ever lived.  I can either choose to bathe in pain of her tragic death or rise to the top as a result of it.  It is truly a choice.  It is 110% a fucking decision…..in every possible situation you have a choice…you may not like the choices but you still have a choice.

I made the CHOICE when I had that breakthrough moment nearing my 39th birthday to end my very unhappy marriage….that was the hardest DECISION I have ever had to make.  It was a choice though….either way you look at it….it sucks.  I could have chosen to stay in an unhappy marriage and live a very unfulfilled life OR break up a marriage that impacted the lives of a man, 3 adult children, and a grandchild.  IT FUCKING SUCKED!!!  But, I had a choice and I chose to leave so that I could be my very best self to serve those children better….to serve the my grandson better, to serve my team, my tribe, my community, and ultimately myself better.

Persevering through tragedy is ultimately what makes you unstoppable.  Surviving that time in my life is exactly what led me to where I am today….and I am damn proud of where I am today.  I am a very good person…I know this because I WORK REALLY FUCKING HARD AT IT.  I am strong, I am independent, and I am empowering.  And I have every single person that has ever been in my life to thank for it.  The people who had my best interest at heart as well as the people who were sucking me dry.  I thank every one of them equally.  The good ones for the guidance to the light powerful side and the bad ones for showing me what the dark side looks like and serving as a bad example.

DO NOT WASTE THE PAIN YOU ARE EXPERIENCING RIGHT NOW…It is your catalyst to greatness…it is the fuel that is going to take you to exactly where you want to go!

I please ask that if these words spoke to you in any way or you know someone who could benefit from reading them PLEASE LIKE AND SHARE THIS by clicking here.

It is my mission to help show everyone just how powerful they are. I need your help in spreading this!

Don’t waste pain

Pain is something that we try to avoid at all costs.  No one enjoys the pain that heartache, disappointment, despair, and rejection gives.  Pain is something that is part of life though.  It makes us who we are.  Because pain is something that we cannot avoid, as hard as we may try,  it is important that we do not waste it.  If you are going to endure all of that pain make sure you use it to be a better version of yourself.  Use it to drive you in the direction of your goals.

One of my very favorite quotes….I wish I knew who said it so I could give them the credit due..  “If you are reading this, you have SURVIVED your entire life up until this point. You have survived traumas, heartbreak, devastation, and the different phases of life. And here you are! You go, motherfucker…you’re awesome”

So often we try to forget about all of the pain we have endured in our lives.  I think that is such a waste!  Think about what you had to go through for all of that pain.  Use it…reflect on how you were able to survive every single obstacle in your path.  Embrace how strong you are as a result of all of that pain.

It is through the survival of great pain that I have become the strong, independent, enlightened, ambitious, and intentional person I am today.  It was from not wasting the pain of death, heartbreak, divorce, poverty,  single parenthood, and outgrowing relationships that has metamorphosed me and my life.  Pain has a way of transforming into strength when you use it correctly.

When faced with great pain know that you have survived every single painful situation that you have ever encountered.  Use that memory as a catalyst to push through and become the stronger, wiser, improved version of yourself.  Choose to be intentional with that pain you are suffering.

Please join me in this mission on intentional living.  I would love to hear your stories.  Please share them with me!

7 things that will keep you head over heels in love with your partner

After making the decision to live an intentional life one of the very first things I did was divorce my Husband.  I spent a lot of time thinking about what had gone wrong and I how I could avoid making the same mistakes in the future.  What I figured out is that is was all about communication.  Not only the way we were communicating but also what we were not communicating.  I had realized that we spent a lot of time avoiding the difficult conversations that we were supposed to be having as partners.  When you are married and raising a family together there are so many variables at play.  Children, home, finances, careers, in-laws, and so much more.  At the end of the day juggling “life” can be so damn exhausting that when you get home and see that your expectations were not met you become aggravated.  The biggest thing we don’t factor in though is often times we don’t even tell our partners what our expectations are!  Then we get pissed off because they didn’t know what we were thinking.   Think about that for a moment.  We got pissed off because someone didn’t read our minds.

I am so grateful for the lessons I have learned from my past relationships because I am putting them into full play in what is the greatest relationship I have ever known.  What I have come to realize is that fate brought us together but that is not what is keeping us together.  It is us making an effort everyday to make sure that it is great.

Whether you are in a new relationship or are celebrating a lifetime together these are 7 things you can make sure you are doing consistently to keep the flame alive.

#1.  They are not trying to hurt you that is just how you feel

When your partner does something that makes you angry remember that it is not what he/she did that needs to be addressed it how that thing made you feel that needs to be talked about.   We often times get angry and start pointing fingers saying “you did this” or “you did that”.  This causes your partner to get defensive and shut down.  Instead, allow yourself to calm down before addressing the problem and then begin with “when (insert offense here) happened this is how it made me feel”. Your partner will also have an opportunity to speak his/her feeling on why they did what they did.  The two of you will have a clearer understanding of each others feelings which will be a game changer for the long haul.

#2 Keep the games for Monopoly night

When you begin dating someone who is when the groundwork for the relationship is laid. Unfortunately we play these games and then things get to a rocky start.  An example would be after you meet someone and you are super excited to contact them but you practice the “3 day rule”.  You know, waiting 3 days before contacting them so you don’t see too eager.  That is so ridiculous.  If someone waited 3 days to contact me I would assume they weren’t interested.  Then I’d start questioning their intent after they did finally contact me.  If you are excited to contact someday….CONTACT THEM.  If that person gets scared off because of your eagerness it is safe to say that person is not for you.  If you find yourself saying “I don’t want them to think __________”  you’re setting yourself up for failure.  You have no idea how a person is going to react to anything.  Go through with what you want but do it intentionally.  The less games you play the less chance you have of losing.

#3 Learn their Love Language

In the book “The 5 Languages of Love” by Gary Chapman he explains that most relationships start to change course after about 2 years.  He believes it is because we are not speaking to them in the correct Love Language.  We tend to show our love the way we would want ours to be shown but that doesn’t work for everyone.  The languages Gary talks about are words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, physical touch, and gifts,  If you receive love through someone telling you how wonderful you are but your partner receives love through physical touch it would be important to know that.  You would have to make it a point to show love not in the way you would want it shown but instead in the way your partner would want it.

#4 Dont Assume Your Partner Knows What You Want

You get home from a long day of work and all you are thinking about is spending some time with your partner.  You have this vision in your head that when you walk in the door they will greet you with a hug and kiss and sit next to you conversing about the day.  When you walk in that is not what happens and you get angry but don’t tell your partner why.  You hold your partner accountable for expectations that were never verbalized.  This happens so often and escalates to a point of no return.  Instead of being angry when those expectations are not met let your partner know what it is that you want.  It is unfair that we hold our partners responsible for knowing what we want in our heads.

#5 The Little Things are the Big Things

When we begin a relationship we are our best selves.  We go out of our way to send little texts, leave little notes, prepare surprise meals, and so on.  After some time we do less and less of that until it’s not happening at all.  Make sure that you are always doing the little things.   A note in his/her lunch is such a great way to show someone you are thinking about them. Sending a random text telling them you love them or that they are on your mind. Those are the things that leave the biggest impact.

#6 Talk About Your Favorite Memories Together 

We all have those days or nights with our partner that will forever be engrained in our minds.  It is important to talk about those favorites!  The more you talk about those things the more likely you are to keep creating wonderful memories together.  When you reflect on something that made you really happy you tend to try to do those things over and over again.  You tend to keep things new and fresh as well as exciting.

#7 Don’t be Shy 

When it comes to how we like to be touched or kissed we usually don’t tell our partner how we like it and then risk never experiencing it.  You then begin to feel unfulfilled and things go awry.  When they do something you really like it is important that you let them know so they keep doing it.  The trickier part is when they do something you don’t like.  That is when you put a positive spin on it and let them know that one thing that they do that you really love.  You are able to change course without hurting their feelings and you get to experience what you really like!

 

 

 

Facing mortality as a healthy 39 year old woman

If you guys took a gander at my “about me” section of this delicious little blog site then you know that it was at 39 years old that I seriously changed the direction of my life. 39 years is all the life my mother ever lived after being killed in a car accident. I was 17 at the time. At 17 you think 39 is old. Well as I crept closer and closer to 39 I could not stop thinking “oh my god, this is all the life she has EVER lived’. Truth be told I have lived far more life than my Mother ever did. I have traveled more than she, studied personal development more than she, delved into different cultures more than she. My Mother was an incredible, caring, funny, beyond beautiful woman but she really didn’t live much life…who knows maybe if she was here today she would tell you differently however from my perspective she was very sheltered. As I crept closer to that 39 year mark I realized that there is zero guarantee of the next moment in your life. The only guarantee is the exact moment you are living in so you better make the absolute most of it. As I looked around I found myself living a life that I was not happy with and it was at that moment that I made a decision…a decision to live an intentional life. I was married to a man that I had grown apart from. This moment of clarity came days before our 13th anniversary. It was just 2 years before that he had had an affair and turned my world upside down. Although at the time of his affair I can certainly say that I was not happy in my marriage but I thought that I could trust more than anyone. We had married after only 8 weeks of knowing each other and we were very much in love. After about 10 years of what I would call a really great marriage this started to change as I was moving up in my career. I really began to focus on personal development, leadership, and intense goal planning. My husband (at the time) was very happy exactly where he was and had no intention of growing….or if he did have the intention he didn’t have the follow through. That was when we started growing apart. It had become very clear to me that he could never truly give me what I needed from a partner but I trusted him incessantly. I was willing to forego all of the other attributes that I would love to have in a partner knowing that I had that strong element of trust. In 2012 that trust was destroyed as I learned he had an affair. Next to my mothers untimely demise it was the 2nd most devastating moment of my life. I had no idea that such physical pain could come from heartbreak. After a little time he had convinced me to try again. I will never forget the words he used to give it another go. “It will never be the same as it was but it could be something better”. I was beyond intriguing to me and honestly 100% true. It could have been something better….if things had changed. Over the course of the next 2 years things just never really got better. I knew that they never would but I was really putting my energy into my career. Fast forward to the looming 39th birthday and everything flipped like a switch. I realized that if god forbid something happened to me and my life came to an end I would have felt very unfulfilled. I made a decision to start living the life that I wanted to live and it had to start with getting out of a marriage that was not good for either of us. I made the decision to separate and very soon after…divorce. I quickly moved to a town that I had been dreaming if living for as long as I could remember…but the “time was never right”. I put that in quotes because one of the things I have learned is that the time is never right but you do it anyway and it all comes together…which is exactly what happened.
I share this story with you in hopes that if you have found yourself in a situation in which you are not happy it CAN be fixed. Whatever the situation is it can be changed. You either have to remove yourself from the situation or change your mindset about the situation. Very often I have found that simply changing my approach or the way I think about something fixes the problem. Please share with me some of the challenges you are facing. Please comment below. I would love to be the neutral party that could possibly help you get through a trying time.